new year's resolutions

The holidays have come and gone and I'm ready to start the new year off with a few resolutions:

-be more patient with the girls: since Sam's arrival, I find myself more in baby mode than in preschooler mode and I often get snappy with the girls when they are just being typical 4 year olds. I'm going to try harder to remember this and enjoy them more at this amazing phase of intellectual growth and development.

-try to get my body back: being pregnant took a big toll on me this time around. Not just gaining weight, but various aches and pains that are still lingering. I also got incredibly out of shape. I'm not going to set myself up for failure by setting the bar TOO high, but I would like to feel stronger, especially in my back and legs. I'd also like to try to encourage my stomach muscles to reunite if possible, as they separated in a BIG way and thus, I am saggy and baggy and very weak in my core.

-get back on the train of making our home more accessible for Hannah: the ramp was a great step, but there's more to do. We still haven't gotten the grab bars for the bathroom and are in need of more stools of various heights. She deserves this added bit of independence, so we'll try hard to make it happen soon.

-re-energize our exercise and strengthening routine for Hannah: another thing that fell by the wayside a bit while I was pregnant and then with Sam's arrival. Now that it's winter and it's harder to get our therapy in naturally as we're out and about, we need to get more creative about ensuring Hannah stays on top of her game. Especially since we're contemplating SDR in the next year, we want to build up her strength as much as we can and also keep her tone in check as she goes through growth spurts. There is an endless amount we could do so again, I want to be sure I don't set myself (or her) up for failure, but I do see some areas where we can make realistic changes and improvements. For instance, I got lazy in not having her do things for herself. B is much better and more patient about this, but I've been taking the shortcuts and not taking time to let Hannah try to dress herself, get herself into and out of her chair, etc. Of course, sometimes we need to move super quickly and I'll need to step in and do it myself, but I'm going to make more of an effort when possible to let her do as much as she can.

-hand off Sam more to B so I can play more with the girls. It's so easy for me, a nursing mom, to take care of 99% of Sam's needs. But B is a great and capable father and I need to remember this and let him do more, especially now while Sam doesn't really care much who is holding or changing him and while the girls DO care and want as much of me as they can get

-and my most important resolution: accepting that no matter how hard I try, there will always be more that needs to be done: more therapy for Hannah, more attention to give the girls and Sam, more projects around the house, more time for myself and my husband. I'm going to work hard at being "good enough" instead of super mom. This one will be the hardest....

Happy 2010.

quick quotables

I've been meaning to jot these latest ones down. They aren't really quotes, more like mispronunciations that are super cute.

Isabelle pronounces saddle (like what you put on a horse) the "sad-la." She also calls the reigns "rangs."

Hannah was getting ready to race Isabelle around the house and she said "On your market, get set, go!"

Cute cute cute!

Winter blues

I live in the Northeast and have always loved winter. (Well, mostly. By March the snow does get pretty old.) But I'm a snowboarder and cross country skier and snowshoer and I really appreciate the beauty of a crisp "blue bird day."

Having kids makes winter a little more challenging. They get sick often, it's hard to go potty when they have 15 layers of clothing on and can't move, the snow looks really fun to play in but they get cold pretty quickly, etc etc etc. Add to that a kid with CP and the challenges escalate to new levels. Then throw in an infant and, well, I'm pretty much housebound these days.

The girls are already on their second nasty cold in less than a month, thanks to preschool. Even Sam caught this one-3 months old and he's already getting sick, poor guy. I am SO DONE with seeing crumpled, germ-infested tissues all over the house and can't bear to hear one more person ask me to wipe their nose.

I hope someday I can appreciate the beauty of winter again. In the meantime I'm just going to have to grin and bear it, and wait for spring...

SAMMY

Our little guy is now 3 months old-how is it that 3 months have gone by in the blink of an eye?! To think that almost a year ago, I found out that I was pregnant with our unexpected Christmas miracle baby. Although it's definitely been a challenge, adding another wee one to our family, it has also been such a gift.

First of all, experiencing a full-term pregnancy, birth and baby has been a marvel. I'm so relaxed and laid back about so many things related to Sam, and feel like I can just enjoy him. I love when the girls are napping or playing with B and I have some quality baby time to just snuggle with him, gaze at him while he nurses, make him smile or coo or giggle.

It helps also that Sam is such an easygoing baby. He's been sleeping through the night (7:30-5ish) since he was about 10 weeks old; he was going at least 5-6 hours for a few weeks before that. During the day, he is pretty happy to just hang out with all of us and watch the flurry of activity going on around him, only getting cranky when it's time to eat or sleep. He's easy to settle and easy to put down, which is really priceless because with the girls around, there's no way I could spend the kind of time I used to spend trying to get them to sleep. He found his thumb early on and while I'm sure parents of thumbsuckers will say "be careful what you wish for," I'm pretty psyched because I think it makes it so much easier for him to fall asleep on his own, without me having to stand on my head and go through some long, drawn out routine. I remember with the girls, not only did it take forever and they had to be sound asleep before I could put them down, but the littlest noise would then wake them up and we'd have to start all over again. Sam must just be used to all the chaos because it doesn't seem to phase him when the girls are right in the next room whopping it up while he's sleeping.

So many times as I'm taking care of Sam, I think about how different things are this time around, and how grateful I am to have this experience and to be able to really just be in the moment with it. It's going by way too fast though...and knowing this is the last baby we'll be having makes it especially bittersweet. It's definitely not easy in our house most days, trying to balance the needs of all 3 little ones, but on balance I have to say that I'm so so so happy we have Sam in our lives:)

Progress comes at a cost

Two weeks ago our wondergirl took a hard fall out of her walker and got 9 stitches in her chin; one of them was internal because it was such a deep cut. It happened right before bedtime: I was nursing Sam in my PJs, B was getting the girls into theirs, and BOOM. We were running around like the proverbial chickens without heads when we realized how deep a cut it was and that it definitely needed a trip to the ER. Thank God for great neighbors, who drove B and Hannah while I stayed home with Isabelle and Sam. Thankfully it's healing up well and she didn't seem too traumatized by the ordeal (and she had quite the story to share on Thanksgiving). A week later, one day after getting the stitches out, Hannah fell again and this time, she knocked a front tooth loose. It hasn't fallen out yet but it's pretty loose. And in the days in between, she's had lots of other, more minor spills.

It's hard to know exactly what's going on with her and hard also not to totally freak out. I think some of it is probably related to a growth spurt: as she grows, Hannah's muscles don't necessarily lengthen along with the rest of her, thus she gets more tight. And she has to learn how to maneuver a bigger, heavier, longer body. So growing can be a challenge. I also think some of it is due to all of this great stuff that she's been doing lately. With this increased mobility there are more situations when Hannah is at risk for falling. Sometimes I think she is just a hair's width away from stepping right out of her walker and standing or walking on her own, because she is barely holding on. But then she loses her balance and falls like a tree. Another challenge of having CP: Hannah's protective responses/reflexes are just not as good as the rest of ours so she is less apt to throw out her hands or fall on her tush when she falls.

Whatever the reasons, all of this falling has me worked up. Every time I hear a bang or crash I go running, thinking Hannah's hurt herself again. I keep telling her to slow down and be careful, and to pay attention to what she's doing. I need to try to find the balance between fostering her independence and keeping her safe, and it's really a struggle. Hannah was on the phone with my mom the other day and my mom asked what happened with her tooth and Hannah said, "I guess I didn't have such a firm grip on my walker." It breaks my heart to hear how matter-of-fact she is about the limits on her mobility, and I want to give her every opportunity to learn and explore and grow with the minimum amount of encumbrances. But I also don't want to take another trip to the ER...

I'm thankful for progress

It's time for me to note some of Hannah's progress as of late, something I do periodically to make myself feel better as well as also chart where she has been and where she is headed, information that's useful to all of the people who provide her with care.

This seems to be a good time to do it, as recently we just finished up hippotherapy for the winter and her therapist asked us to outline some of the things Hannah has accomplished in the past year and any other changes. So progress has been on my mind. It's also a good time to do it because we just recently celebrated the girls' 4th anniversary of their homecoming from the NICU, on November 16th. Hard to believe that just 4 years ago, we were bringing them home after 54 endless days in the hospital. Equally amazing to think about all that we have gone through since that time, and how far we have come. Finally, I'm in need of a progress report as we go into the holiday season, a time of year that can make me a little melancholy. All the time we spend with the girls' cousins, while really wonderful and special, also remind me of how different Hannah is. Watching her try to keep up with everyone, fielding all of the questions and comments from the kids about Hannah's walker, orthotics, glasses, etc...it all just magnifies what we can sometimes minimize at home in our safe little bubble. So it's important for me to see just how far this little wonder kid has come, because it reminds me that if she has come THIS far in such a short time, just THINK of how far she will continue to go and how much more she will develop and achieve.

So, here it is. A brag list of Hannah's latest and greatest tricks. I probably forgot a few things, but these are the highlights. Go Hannah go!

• Hannah is just about totally independent in her walker. She uses it at home and in the community. She can get into and out of it on her own. She has pretty good endurance in it as well.

• She can get into and out of a sitting position on her own, into both a W sit and a straight-leg sit.

• She can pull up onto furniture and cruise.

• She can get off the couch or a chair by herself and she can also lower herself from her walker onto a bench or chair if it’s the right height. She can get out of her bed.

• She can four-point crawl.
• She can get up the stairs holding one of our hands and holding the railing with the other. We're working on getting her to walk up sideways, holding the railing with both hands, so she can do it independently.
• She is getting introduced to forearm crutches. We have a way to go with these, but she just figured out-tonight, actually-that she can stand independently in them so hopefully that is a big motivator for her to get more proficient with them.
  

• She is potty trained.

• Her fine motor skills are also really coming along: she can twist a cap on/off, she is pretty close to doing large buttons on her own, she can string small beads, she can write a few letters, she can feed herself using a fork and a spoon, she is getting more precise with her drawing/coloring.

I am excited to see where she will be at this time next year!!!

Some updates

Things have been wild and wooly around here now that we're a family of 5! There has been a lot going on, so many things I've thought, "Oh, I should post about that on my blog" and then the moment is gone, eaten up by a baby needing to be nursed or four year old twins needing attention or dinner needing to be made...

But I have a quick minute now, everyone is napping at the same time unbelievably, so here are a few choice updates:

The girls have been slowly adjusting to life with a new baby in the house. The adjustment has been harder than I thought it would be. I see the merit to having kids very close in age. Although more physically demanding, the emotional/behavioral toll is probably much less intense. The girls are old enough and smart enough to realize just how badly their world has been rocked by Sam's arrival. Hannah's reaction has been to be extra whiny and cry a lot, whereas Isabelle's has been more of defiant/angry behavior. Neither is a whole lot of fun and both have really taxed our parenting strategies. Not to mention trying to work through these behaviors while I'm sleep deprived! I think things are getting better, but it has not been easy. Some comments the girls have made really shed light on what's going on in their minds as they process things:

• "Is that ANOTHER package for Sam?" as I pick up the mail and in it is, yes, another baby gift for Sam. The only redeeming thing has been that their birthday was not long after he was born, so they had a pretty steady stream of gifts coming in right around the same time as well. But it didn't seem to matter much. Each gift that came for him was noted with a great deal of scrutiny and I'm sure I paid for it later in some kind of bad behavior or another.
• "I want to be a baby again." This one needs no explanation.
• "Mommy, please put Sam down. He doesn't need to eat again."
  
• "It's really nice to have special time JUST with Mommy. NOT with Isabelle, and NOT with Sam. JUST Mommy and Hannah."

That last comment refers to the fact that we're trying to set aside special time with each of the girls. I recently started to pump so that B or someone else can give Sam a bottle and I can get out without him. Those times when it's just the girls and I are so special and I think they have made a big difference for all of us. And it seems so EASY! I forget what it was like, before I got pregnant. And I do miss those days. It's definitely MUCH harder to get out and about and do things with all 3 of them. In fact, I really don't do much, just me and the 3 kids by ourselves. I haven't figured out all of the logistics and it's just too much effort. There are a few small outings that we can manage, but otherwise we hang around the house or do things in smaller groups. Thankfully the girls are in school 3 mornings a week so that gets them out of the house!

Having Sam has definitely brought up some more grief around Hannah's CP. I find myself thinking, fairly often, how easy it would be if only she were more independently mobile. It's been awhile since I've spun the "what if" wheel and it's really a useless exercise because it only serves to make me sad. But at certain times, when it's so clear that life is that much harder because Hannah has CP, I find myself going down that path again.

I also watch Sam like a hawk, to see if he is developing typically. I see him moving his little arms and legs around, flexing his feet, wiggling his toes, and I think, "Is that all normal? Is there any high tone there?" Earlier on, I was worried he wasn't really making eye contact and had concerns about his vision. But even though I am more worried than I might be if we didn't have the experience we did with the girls, I also feel more relaxed in general about Sam's caretaking. I'm not sure which came first: his mellow attitude or mine. He is definitely a pretty easy baby in temperament but I am also most certainly more relaxed than I ever was with the girls. I don't feel like I need to spend every spare minute stimulating him, positioning him properly, worrying about how much he ate, trying to get him to sleep, etc. It's really nice to be freed from those obsessions.

So things in our family are different, in new and challenging ways. They're also fun. It's really nice to have a mellow baby to snuggle up with and I cherish those quiet times with Sam, when I can really be in baby mode. It's also fun to see how the girls are interacting with him. Despite all of their acting out toward me, they still remain interested in playing with and helping to take care of Sam. And I think as we all continue to adjust to this new life, we'll feel like it was always this way.