triggers

I think post-trauma and grief are like this: you go along feeling fine and then all of a sudden, something hits you like a ton of bricks and you could, if you let yourself, go back to the hard, sad, overwhelming place that you were in when you first experienced a loss. It's hard to know what will set it off, but it's like your grief and trauma have these land mines scattered around your life and sometimes you unknowingly step on one and set it off.

The two triggers that got set off most recently:

The girls' (and especially Hannah's) medical files: I usually avoid reading through them unless I need to. Recently I had to go digging in Hannah's because we are seeking a consult for selective dorsal rhizotomy (more on that another time!). All I had to do was look at the copies of her quick brain MRI and I was immediately launched back to that day in the NICU when they told us about her PVL (brain injury).

Any meeting with a new therapist/medical professional: We are looking into getting a new PT (more on that, too, some other time!) so we had a consult with someone last week. Despite the fact that this PT was a very warm, kind, and seemingly knowledgeable person, I felt naked as I introduced her to Hannah, anticipating her judgment like we were getting a CP diagnosis all over again. I could barely hear her positive comments about Hannah and focused instead on what she said about "lack of protective reflexes" and "may not stand independently."

I can bounce back pretty quickly from these triggers but it still surprises me, the strength of their power.