A woman came out to appraise our house the other day (we're hoping to re-fi) and she had her 6 week old son with her. The girls were ga-ga over the little guy and Hannah was sitting at the play table craning her neck to see him, so I got her out and brought her closer for a better view.
The woman turns to me (while Hannah is in my arms and Isabelle is standing right there) and says, "What's wrong with her legs?"
OK, so first let's just acknowledge that this woman was totally clueless, ignorant and oblivious to the fact that this is not the most appropriate comment to make.
That aside...
I so wish my response to her inane question was different.
It's funny, I don't really wish I had said something nasty to her. I wasn't in that kind of mood and didn't feel like that would have been very effective. But what I do wish I had said is something along the lines of what we regularly say to Hannah and Isabelle. Something like, "Well, some people's legs are not as strong as others and so we're working on building up Hannah's strength and right now she using a walker to get around. Right, Hannah?" Something that brought Hannah into the conversation instead of talking about her like she wasn't there. Something that was inclusive, respectful and considerate.
Instead I blurted, "She has cerebral palsy. The girls were born premature."
The woman went on to tell me a story about a kid in her daughter's class with some kind of condition (she didn't know what) who was now walking but took awhile to do so. And not long after that, she left.
I wish I could rewind that conversation for so many reasons. Both of my girls have big ears and pick up on just about everything that is said. I can only assume Hannah heard me say "cerebral palsy" just as she heard that woman ask what was wrong with her legs. At what age will she start to internalize these comments as part of her sense of self. When will they start to make her question who she is and why she is different? And what will Isabelle think of all of this?
At this point, I just hope that if they did hear this, they did not internalize it or think much of it and that it didn't make a dent in the more positive ways we've been portraying Hannah's differences up until now.
I also hope to think before I speak next time and do Hannah the justice she deserves.
3 comments:
Matter-of-fact-ness can be a positive way to express Hannah's differences, too. Young children take cues from the tone of words if the concepts are above their understanding. You are now prepared for the next similar encounter.
Gotta say, I really thought most adults would have inquired more discreetly than that woman did.
Oh, Krista-
That woman should be ashamed of herself, and you answered honestly and truthfully and did nothing wrong. I know what you mean, about our kiddos listening to everything we say, and in hindsight, it would have been great to be able to respond in the way you described in your post. However, in the moment, after hearing such a shocking, hurtful comment, I think you responded beautifully!
I'm sorry I haven't posted much lately! Things around here have been a bit rough and my time at home has been limited. At work, when I can sometimes find a few minutes to get online, they just changed our filter and blocked all websites with "blogspot" in the URL...which includes my own blog!! So, that's why I have been pretty much AWOL online.
I hope that you guys have a fantastic Christmas and a very Happy New Year!
I do the same thing. I always have the great answers after the conversation is over. I'm sorry the woman was so insensitive....there are a lot of them out there.
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