Brokeback mama

I am beat down. My back, knees and tailbone have seen better days. Sure, some of it is that I'm closer to 40 than 30 and also that I was a long-distance runner for many years before I had Hannah and Isabelle. But a lot of it is the physical aspect of caring for the girls, particularly Hannah.

I find myself complaining about it a lot to other people and then I feel awful because if I were Hannah, I would hate to think that my mom was suffering because of me. I do try not to talk about it in front of either of the girls. I guess that all parents suffer to some degree because of their kids, right? (Let's pause as we all reflect back on the teenage years and the torture we put our own parents through...)

In any event, my body is in pretty rough shape and depending on what we're doing during the day, sometimes I'm so uncomfortable that I get really cranky and short on patience with Hannah and dread helping her with some of the things she wants to do because I know how much pain I'll be in after. For example, she isn't able to do things like push her baby stroller without my help because it's not sturdy enough to hold her weight when she leans on it. She also loves to help me clean the kitchen but she can't push the broom on her own and walk at the same time. Both of these things are back breakers for me, because I'm trying to both help her walk and hold onto whatever the item is at the same time. I sometimes try to engage her in a different activity and then I feel badly that I'm choosing what she gets to do. And she gets frustrated by that as well.

Trips out with the girls are rough also. I'm often holding Hannah on one hip (she's about 22 lbs), her walker on the other hip (probably around 15 lbs), the diaper bag is strapped across my chest and Isabelle is trying to find some part of me to hold as well. I feel like I am perpetually hunched over with arms flailing. I know this is a position familiar to many parents: we're like domestic sherpas, schlepping kids and gear in the most anti-ergonomic ways possible. But usually those phases where you are doing the most carrying and bending and straining don't last more than a year or so. With a kiddo who has mobility difficulties, the phase can last a lot longer and sometimes it never ends.

It's so frustrating to me sometimes because if things were different and Hannah were more mobile, I would be so much more inclined to be out and about with the girls in all kinds of weather. By nature, I'm a pretty active, outdoorsey kind of person. I wouldn't hesitate to bundle them all up and take them on adventures all over the place. But because I know how much effort it will take and how many Advil I'll have to pop afterwards, I find myself being much more of a homebody or gravitating toward more sedate activities.

In a funny way, it's almost harder now that Hannah is getting more independent. Before she was using a walker, she was more content to sit in a stroller and I didn't feel bad if she wasn't out walking. But now I want to bring her walker everywhere we go, to help build her endurance and confidence.

In two weeks, I'm scheduled to go see the same physiatrist Hannah sees, so that he can assess what's going on with my various aches/pains and give me some recommendations. I'm pretty sure I know what I need (massage, adjustments, yoga/pilates classes) but realistically, I don't have the time or the disposable income to do any of those things on a regular basis.

I guess I'll have to figure something out though, because I owe it to myself and to the girls.