Achieving independence

About six months ago, we started talking about the possibility of getting Hannah a walker to give her some independence while she was still putting together the pieces needed to learn to walk. For a long time, these discussions made me cry.

When Isabelle started walking at around 18 months (15 months "corrected"), B and I figured Hannah might be about six months behind. She still needed to master crawling, pulling to a stand, and cruising. The therapists reminded us that there were many things that needed to fall into place in order for a person to walk on their own. Not only the attainment of physical skills, but also body awareness, balance, and coordination, all of which seemed to be challenging for Hannah, as for most kids with PVL. We thought, "that's ok. She'll get there. It will just take a little longer."

Slowly we realized, Hannah's achievement of independent mobility was going to take awhile. Maybe a long while. And we started to worry. Will it happen at all? Will she need assistance (i.e. a walker, a wheelchair, etc.)? When and if she finally does walk, what will the quality of her gait be like?

Acceptance is a funny thing. As the "what-ifs" start to come true, you move through different phases of denial, anger, grief, resignation. Until finally, you get to a place of acceptance that this is where you are, and where you're headed. Not where you thought you'd be, or had any interest in going. But here you are. Trying out walkers and gait trainers and hoping that maybe, with a little luck, your kid will walk by the time she starts preschool.

I'm so glad I'm finally in the acceptance phase because frankly, it's a lot easier of a place to be. But it took a long, long time to get here. And occasionally I lapse back into that dark, sad place where I wonder why did this happen to us...and how easy life would be if only...and how will we get past this...

But mostly, I accept that this is what Hannah needs to get herself moving, and if we can find a way for her to gain some kind of independent mobility, at the end of the day that is what's most important. Especially to her.

So here is Hannah trying out her new walker. I think it's called a "reverse-K" and it has large wheels at the front and smaller ones at the back. It also has a support bar across the back that helps her to keep a straighter, more upright posture.

I think she likes it, don't you?